Parents of Small Children.

As I said on Reddit, there's something very special about the parents of small children, and it's something that I'd like to see cured with fire and screaming. That's not an exaggeration, to be honest, but something that I'd pay to see.

There were always six major groups in a show:

1. Children who are genuinely there to learn, but whose parents feel it necessary to teach them from an early age just how painfully stupid daddy is
2. Children who ar-MOMMY MOMMY I WANNA GO TO THE WATERWORKS I WANNA AW YEAH MOMMY WATERWORKS WOOOOOO WET!
   
3. Animal activists who come solely to preach misguided bullshit to the kids until I call an employee to kindly escort them out.
   
4. Children who are genuinely to learn, and who have parents that don't suffer from FAS.
   
5. Parents looking to escape the waterworks, as well as their children IN the waterworks, and who are too chilly lily on a combination of Xanax and vodka to know what's going on.
6. Parents of small children.

I'll touch on the others later, but for now I want to concentrate on the last group. I can only seem to remember these wonderful "people" when my eye twitches and I feel extra-stabby.

If you have a kid under the age of five, you're either one of these "people" or you hang out with one in your suburban mini-van and I hate my life parties. They're the group that makes baby noises at their kids, wondering later why Jimmy failed to develop in one of the most crucial phases of his life, and the group that's just as likely to forget their pants as they are to be one temper-tantrum away from going apeshit and saying "bath time!" with a twisted smile.

To them, their kids are the most perfect creations in the world. That little shit with a Popsicle-stained Mickey Mouse sweater and some ungodly abomination dripping from its nose is Saint Peter, Jesus, whatever Mormons worship, and George Jefferson all mixed to one, but you can only see it if you're its parent. Sort of like how you can only see magic if you believe in it, or dragons if you do PCP.

This manifests in a way that can be described as annoying at the very least, and proof that there is a Hell in the most prominent examples. You get questions like "YO HEY GUY LOL YO MY KID, *baby noises at kid and some tummy tickling that would make Michael Jackson cringe*, YO HE CAN'T PRONOUNCEABLE THAT COAT...COATI...", "Coatimundi?", "YEAH THAT COATIMONEY. HE CAN'T PRONOUNCE THAT BECAUSE HE'S 4. YALL GOT A BETTER WORD FOR THAT?", not once, but good three to five times a day. Don't get me started on the "LOL SO GUY DOES THIS ANIMAL, *looks at their little cunt and giggles*, DOES HE LIKE LOL LIKE [insert something stupid, ranging from balloons to fire trucks to whatever the fuck is only funny to your little spawn]? COS THAT'S WHAT MY JIMMY BOY LIKES".

Maybe it's just that they completely forgot what children like when they spent their 20s doing keg stands and having orgies with black guys. Maybe they're so depressed that their dreams of becoming an astronaut or doctor ended when the stick read blue and they had an appointment at the minivan store next week. Maybe they're just naturally stupid human beings and the science community needs to take another look at Eugenics. Whatever it is, there is something very, very disturbingly wrong with the parents of small children.

If you have a child and you can even imagine putting yourself in their shoes, please do the world a favour and take a step back. Realise that your kid is not the next president. Realise that by treating him or her as both the next president and a small dog, you're fucking up their psyche. Realise that people in the service industry don't like to put up with your "OMGZ I KNOW THIS ISN'T ON THE MENU BUT CAN YOU CUT MY SON'S STEAK INTO A DINOSAUR SO HE CAN THROW IT ALL OVER THE PLACE WHILE I PULL OUT MY CRISP $1 BILL TO TIP YOU?" bullshit. Your kid isn't special, you're not special for having a kid, and by acting like you're both men amoungst mice, you make your poor waiters, entertainers, and cashiers a reason to go home and punch themselves in the testicles until they're as sterile as a hospital.

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Awesome Opossum Animal Friend of the Day:
Tapirs are native to central/south America, as well as southeast Asia. Their front feet have four toes and their back, three. One is killed in Mel Gibson's Apocalyptica, which is rather mediocre in my opinion, and no sir, they don't fucking like fucking fire trucks. WHY THE FUCK WOULD A TAPIR LIKE A FUCKING FIRE TRUCK? THEY LIVE IN THE FUCKING RAINFOREST. THERE ARE NO FUCKING FIRE TRUCKS IN THE FUCKING RAINFOREST JUST FUCKING GO TO WATERWORKS AND DIE IN THE BOAT POOL.

Wasn't that lovely,
-Happy little badger